Originally published at: https://summerofprotocols.com/research/dangerous-dating-protocols
Throughout the centuries, successful dating and coupling has always relied on protocols, from arranged marriage to courtship to swiping on dating apps. These protocols have evolved along with technology and culture. In the West, however, swipe-based dating app protocols now occupy a “protocol monopoly.” Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, and other apps have all instated a swipe…
The description of exploration/exploitation within the dating market was really cool when combined with some history of dating in general. I have a few random thoughts.
Families as the core of cultural stability
I’ve continuously heard (and seen) how important two-parent households are, to the point where it’s an almost “fact of life” level idea, but I’m curious about the subtleties. There’s a flow/cycle described here of: dating => marriage => self-improvement & child raising & social cohesion => improvements propagate through generations. It seems like the details of this are at the root of many cultural issues.
The inception of location-based swiping protocols
I didn’t know that Grindr predated Tinder. I was chatting with a friend about the hookup culture of homosexual men and the history is really interesting. Locations, times, codes and small visual signals facilitated many clandestine, discrete encounters. I have a feeling that the established protocols of the culture were well-suited to location-based swiping protocols. Is the strong need here the reason Grindr arose before Tinder?
I don’t think cis-gender, heterosexual hookup culture was as well established. It existed, sure, but not nearly to the same degree or at least had some quality difference (that I can’t articulate). We copied the technology, but the needs weren’t the same! I’d argue that Tinder actually more-so created a hookup culture, compared to Grindr simply facilitating a pre-existing culture. Then people just got slightly addicted to it and allowed the protocol to entrench. We went on to try and use the protocol for something it was never designed for. So it was an initial mismatch that caused the particular frictions that we’ve seen, which seem less prevalent in the dating market of homosexual men.
Just a theory 
Bring back OKCupid
Apparently “OKCupid from 2015” is kind of a common meme! I encountered it on an Astral Codex Ten post awhile back and then just recently, a user on the subreddit posted about their new app.
Cuckoo Protocols
One key idea that this colored nicely for me was brought up in Dangerous Protocols. It’s an almost subversive, sedative or cuckoo effect where the feedback loop of protocols and culture end up hurting both, but it’s not obvious enough to stop (or other stickiness keeps us in).
This is illustrated by the idea of almost “swiping for the sake of it”. We end up seeking short-term gratifications that are actually counterproductive to healthy dating.
It reminds me of two other phenomenon:
- Netflix-style browsing - there’s so much content now and the search features are only OK, such that I’ve experienced and seen “browsing for the sake of browsing”. Scrolling across categories and titles is an emotional experience where you feel the promise of each thing you encounter. It’s easy to feel the pull, but not be ready to settle on something, so you keep browsing. You follow your emotional whims and associative connections (oh that actor?! oh this director?!), which is a frail simulacrum of the original goal of watching a movie or show. It’s superficial compared to the depth of experience you get with the actual content, but it kinda scratches the itch.
- Impulsive texting habits (e.g. within WhatsApp groups) - the final state is almost “communication for the sake of communication”. It’s not quite the same as swiping or browsing, but there is still a sort of subversion. We have impulsive access to our social network via single-threaded chat streams. This creates a number of suboptimal outcomes, such as compulsive response times and a consistent lack of important in-person cues. Text chat takes up more of our conversational space than it should because the protocol is so entrenched. We end up talking more, but not communicating well.
The implementation or emergent effects/features of a protocol cause behavior that subverts the original purpose of the activity.